War Paint Confession

Right, you MUST promise not to laugh.

I know you will, but for the sake of my sanity, pretend this isn't funny please.

Last night, I sat down to watch one of my favourite TV shows - The Only Way Is Essex. I hate it, but love it. I will never understand why fake boobs, tans, nails, eyelashes, heels during the day, skin tight dresses and more war paint than you can shake a grotty old stick at are considered normal or even attractive! But yet, I am still obsessed with the show.

Last night, Mark Wright got his top of (there is in fact, a God up there, looking down on me and smiling after completing my life with that little snippet) and I'm not being over observational, but by jove, was he orange. In Essex, it seems, male fake tan is allowed. Male fake tan is HOT - in this case.

I looked down at my own arm, pasty and white, and wondered - would life be better tangoed?

All I can say is, never take inspiration from that show. I, in my hasty state of pale whiteness, decided that it would be a smooth ass move to fake tan, twice. In one night.

This my friends, was one very very bad idea. I awoke this morning to the fumes of fake tan, my skin glittered in the sunlight and almost blinded me, my fake nails looked more tacky against orange peel skin and my first thought was 'SHIT'. I look in the mirror, and then realise I have made a bad bad mistake. Out comes the body scrub and lemon juice - my face is ORANGE. Oompa loompa. I am not best pleased.

So, lesson of the day. No, you do NOT need 2 layers of tan. Do not take inspiration from Essex boys with their top off. I think I was bowled over by his fit-ness and forgot myself for a minute.

Oops.